Sunday, May 16, 2010

I don't know exactly what I want to say on here anymore.  I know everyone wants to know our family updates and how we are doing, but I have just lost all desire to do this blog anymore.  I am sorry to those of you who haven't received call backs or thank you notes from me.  I just can't do it all and I am now just finally realizing it myself and coming to terms with it.   I am now really doing the work of two people; time is not on my side anymore.  I want to post a few things and I will try to do an update once a month for those of you who want to check the blog.  

Well its been 8 weeks since Jon's passing.  Every Saturday marks another week that I have to live without my partner and best friend, but time just keeps moving and I can't stop it.  I talk about him every day with the kids and some days the tears just keep flowing, but over all things have been going pretty steady.   I have to say everything is falling into place and we have really been taken care of.  Our family, our ward, our neighbors, our friends, they have all been here for us and supporting us every step of the way.  I had a few things to do around the house and I had so many guys from my ward step up and volunteer to help, that it was more then enough help. Its just been an incredible journey.

Sadly, even when you don't want life to move on, it still does.  I am trying to come to terms with this concept.   I still have to get up everyday and feed the kids and clean the house, and I guess just live.  I know people have not forgotten, but the eight weeks have really not made things any better or easier.  It still is very much an open wound to me and I feel very much hurt.    Jon and I talked about me having to live life without him and he told me he would be so mad if he was looking down on me and saw me so sad and staying in bed all day.  He told me I had to get up and be a mom and live life and be happy.  I say now "Thanks Jon easier said then done though babe".

Nights are still the worst.  I can keep myself busy for the most part during the day, but at night I really feel the aloneness and the sleeping is bad.  I started sleeping with little Max and of course he loves it and I actually do to.  Sometimes because of the kicks in the head, I don't get the full night of sleep I need, but overall its okay.  I do love it.  He is my new little cuddle buddy.

Jon's headstone will be up by Memorial day and I am very happy about that.  I think I found a good design for the headstone and I know I will be very happy with it.   Max is playing T-ball right now and I get to be the coach for the team that we just named the Mesquito's.  He is loving the baseball and is really a little natural.  Kena is just as happy as always.  She is just a great little girl and really easy for an almost two year old.    We are going to be starting some family therapy sessions because I want to make sure the kids are as well rounded and I guess as okay as possible.  I want them to have as little issues in the future as realistically as I can, so I thought a little therapy can't hurt work out some of the kinks.  

Thanks so much everyone for your kindness and patience with me.   I really do feel blessed in a weird sort of way.  My testimony has grown so much these last few months and I feel so much stronger in faith.  I at times had some big rocks to go over with my anger issues with God, but now I am leveling out the wrinkles and have come to realize even though I don't understand His will, I know there was a reason and lesson to be learned from this and I respect that.  I pray for understanding every night and I think that is one of the reasons why my anger kind of disappeared.  I will keep in touch, but for right now that is all I have to say.  My little guy is curled up next to me sound asleep and I have to go be with him and finally put him to bed.  Please take care and know I pray for all of you and hope The Spirit can be with you always.