Sunday, May 16, 2010

I don't know exactly what I want to say on here anymore.  I know everyone wants to know our family updates and how we are doing, but I have just lost all desire to do this blog anymore.  I am sorry to those of you who haven't received call backs or thank you notes from me.  I just can't do it all and I am now just finally realizing it myself and coming to terms with it.   I am now really doing the work of two people; time is not on my side anymore.  I want to post a few things and I will try to do an update once a month for those of you who want to check the blog.  

Well its been 8 weeks since Jon's passing.  Every Saturday marks another week that I have to live without my partner and best friend, but time just keeps moving and I can't stop it.  I talk about him every day with the kids and some days the tears just keep flowing, but over all things have been going pretty steady.   I have to say everything is falling into place and we have really been taken care of.  Our family, our ward, our neighbors, our friends, they have all been here for us and supporting us every step of the way.  I had a few things to do around the house and I had so many guys from my ward step up and volunteer to help, that it was more then enough help. Its just been an incredible journey.

Sadly, even when you don't want life to move on, it still does.  I am trying to come to terms with this concept.   I still have to get up everyday and feed the kids and clean the house, and I guess just live.  I know people have not forgotten, but the eight weeks have really not made things any better or easier.  It still is very much an open wound to me and I feel very much hurt.    Jon and I talked about me having to live life without him and he told me he would be so mad if he was looking down on me and saw me so sad and staying in bed all day.  He told me I had to get up and be a mom and live life and be happy.  I say now "Thanks Jon easier said then done though babe".

Nights are still the worst.  I can keep myself busy for the most part during the day, but at night I really feel the aloneness and the sleeping is bad.  I started sleeping with little Max and of course he loves it and I actually do to.  Sometimes because of the kicks in the head, I don't get the full night of sleep I need, but overall its okay.  I do love it.  He is my new little cuddle buddy.

Jon's headstone will be up by Memorial day and I am very happy about that.  I think I found a good design for the headstone and I know I will be very happy with it.   Max is playing T-ball right now and I get to be the coach for the team that we just named the Mesquito's.  He is loving the baseball and is really a little natural.  Kena is just as happy as always.  She is just a great little girl and really easy for an almost two year old.    We are going to be starting some family therapy sessions because I want to make sure the kids are as well rounded and I guess as okay as possible.  I want them to have as little issues in the future as realistically as I can, so I thought a little therapy can't hurt work out some of the kinks.  

Thanks so much everyone for your kindness and patience with me.   I really do feel blessed in a weird sort of way.  My testimony has grown so much these last few months and I feel so much stronger in faith.  I at times had some big rocks to go over with my anger issues with God, but now I am leveling out the wrinkles and have come to realize even though I don't understand His will, I know there was a reason and lesson to be learned from this and I respect that.  I pray for understanding every night and I think that is one of the reasons why my anger kind of disappeared.  I will keep in touch, but for right now that is all I have to say.  My little guy is curled up next to me sound asleep and I have to go be with him and finally put him to bed.  Please take care and know I pray for all of you and hope The Spirit can be with you always.


  1. Thank you for updating! You are really amazing! I'm not sure I could even function with out my husband. I'm sorry to hear you are still having a hard time. My prayers are with you and your beautiful family! I also love how you call him your little cuddle buddy! that is what we call our son. LOL. You are a sweet and generous person. I'm not sure if you remember me but I'm Ashley mom, and it was so sweet of you to help out with her wedding you did a great job with the flowers, thank you. Take care!!Love Ella

  2. Tiffany,

    You are an awesome example. Like I told you before, it will never get easier, just farther away. Michelle has been gone one year tomorrow and it amaxes me how fast the time goes. You have done an amazing job dealing with all that life has thrown at you and will be blessed for it. "Keep on keeping on" and I promise the happiness will grow and the sadness will begin to suside as you learn how to make each day better than the last. Please let my family know how we can help you in any way. We really do need to get Max and Wyatt together. They would be great little buddies.

  3. I think of you all the time! You sound a lot better than I am sure I would be. I love that you are sleeping with your son, what a special treat for you both!
    I love you and will continue to pray for you family.


  4. I am so glad you decided to write. I keep wondering how you are doing. YOu are in my thoughts very often. We continue to pray for you and your little ones. I am sure Heavenly Father has great blessings in store for you. Keep up the faith. We love you guys very much!

  5. Tiffany, what can I say? I am so proud of the way you are raising your kids and getting out of bed! Jon is so proud of you I know it! I also know he watches over you and the kids. I loved spending those days with you traveling to the 4 corners area! I will post the pictures on face book soon! I love you so much! You are an amazing sister and a great example to me! Remember, call me ANYTIME!
    Love, DeeAnn <3
    I am so glad you updated the blog!

  6. I am so sorry to hear about Jon! I saw an update on the BHS facebook page. I hadn't seen Jon since high school but thinking back he seemed like this happy, nice always smiling boy. You have such a beautiful family and I'm so sorry for your loss! I pray for better days ahead for you and your little ones!

  7. PS- my dad died when I was two days old and while I missed him terribly my whole life- I took comfort in knowing that I would see him again. And I always felt like I had this guardian angel watching out for me. I hope you and your kids can feel Jon near too.

  8. Tiffany,

    I am saddened to have learned of Jon's recent passing. I had the opportunity to serve in the Guayaquil North mission with him. He was a great missionary. I remember that he would carry his Book of Mormon and other teaching materials in a clear zip lock bag - a trick he learned to keep from getting robbed in one of his tougher areas. He also loved to joke with the countless children we encountered in the streets. They all wanted to speak English to us and he would play along by teaching them to say random funny things. On preparation days he was passionate about playing soccer.

    Along with you, those that served with Jon will always remember his positive attitude. I hope you and your children find peace in the knowledge that we have that families are eternal.

    -James Larson
    Chicago, IL

  9. Tiffany,
    Keep on putting one foot in fron tof the other, take one day at a time...
    You and your family are loved and thought of often! Please keep us posted and call if you need anything!
    Love, Adele

  10. Tiffany,
    Though I am a complete stranger to you, your family is in my prayers.
    My heart aches for your extreme loss. Be gentle on yourself because I believe in reading about Jon, he really is understanding to the daunting trial you in the midst of.
    My prayers continue for your much needed strength.