Friday, October 22, 2010

Long awaited

I know I said I would write every month, but I decided I don't want to.  I will keep trying because I know so many are still thinking for us and want to know how we are coping, so this is your you. 

Wednesday marked 7 months since Jon's passing.  I can't really believe it has been that long without him here.  I don't even know where I have been.  I guess I just starting blocking out large portions of my life, which is really sad because I don't want to forget memories or new moments with the kids, but I guess it is a strategy my brain is doing to keep itself safe. 

I feel like I have really lost myself.  I don't know how to be alone without Jon.  I don't know what I like anymore.  I seem to be doubting myself more, which I have heard is normal, but still hard to except.  When you are married you always use the words "we" and "us", but now I have to use the works "I" and "me".  How do you switch?  If someone knows please let me know because it sucks!

I have been making friends with other widows which I like very much.  No one quite understands it when I tell them and they seem a little weirded out by it, but it's helping.  I am the youngest usually, but we can relate so well and I don't feel alone in my struggles.  I sometimes think wow I must be going crazy, but then I talk to another widow friend and find out she went through the same thing. Either we are both crazy or it must be normal, right ?  Its very validating to have someone feel the same way and be able to bounce ideas off one another. 

Max started school at the near by elementary.  He is loving kindergarten.  He is so smart and learns things so quickly, just like his daddy.  I get to volunteer on Mondays for an hour.  What a delight for me.  I am the luckiest person to be able to drop off that little boy and then pick him up and have him run to me with excitement.   I am so blessed to have him.   He is such a good big brother.  Kenadee just loves him and calls him "honey" now, and he gets so mad.  I love it.  It is so cute when they start talking like you and resembling a mom.  Max has been to a friends house to play twice since school began which is huge for him.  I had to completely talk him into it and then drag him up to the front door, but hopefully now he knows its not so scary.   Baby steps right... 

Kenadee is just wonderful.  She is such a little sweetheart with a mind of her own.  She wears Maxwell's backpack all over the house and says she is going to school.  She got her first hair cut from the little neighbor girl, and so we cut her hair into a little bob to help it.  Very cute I think. 

They are both growing up to fast.  We are excited for Halloween, but not the cold weather, except for skiing.  :)  Kena wants to be a princess of course. (Cinderella because of the blonde hair) Very cute and Max told me he wants to be a "dead zombie" or "half wolf half dead".. (I am not even sure exactly what that is) Sounds a little scary to me and I have no idea where to get that outfit.  I am still trying to tell him super hero is the way to go.  But, what do mom's know? 

Well that is about all to report.  We are coping and sometimes living, so that is okay for now.  I love going to the temple and feeling the wonderful Spirit.  I loved reading the ensign this month about temples. 
President Thomas S. Monson wrote. " How far is heaven?  I testify that in the holy temples it is not far at all - for it is in these sacred places that heaven and earth meet and our Heavenly Father gives His children His greatest blessings".  
Wow!!  I just had to share.  That meant so much to hear.  Why is it that the ensign always has something for everyone in it?  Its the Spirit of course.  It is such a wonderful magazine and so inspiring.   We love you all and pray that we can all be thankful and have gratitude in life's little things.