Friday, October 22, 2010

Long awaited

I know I said I would write every month, but I decided I don't want to.  I will keep trying because I know so many are still thinking for us and want to know how we are coping, so this is your you. 

Wednesday marked 7 months since Jon's passing.  I can't really believe it has been that long without him here.  I don't even know where I have been.  I guess I just starting blocking out large portions of my life, which is really sad because I don't want to forget memories or new moments with the kids, but I guess it is a strategy my brain is doing to keep itself safe. 

I feel like I have really lost myself.  I don't know how to be alone without Jon.  I don't know what I like anymore.  I seem to be doubting myself more, which I have heard is normal, but still hard to except.  When you are married you always use the words "we" and "us", but now I have to use the works "I" and "me".  How do you switch?  If someone knows please let me know because it sucks!

I have been making friends with other widows which I like very much.  No one quite understands it when I tell them and they seem a little weirded out by it, but it's helping.  I am the youngest usually, but we can relate so well and I don't feel alone in my struggles.  I sometimes think wow I must be going crazy, but then I talk to another widow friend and find out she went through the same thing. Either we are both crazy or it must be normal, right ?  Its very validating to have someone feel the same way and be able to bounce ideas off one another. 

Max started school at the near by elementary.  He is loving kindergarten.  He is so smart and learns things so quickly, just like his daddy.  I get to volunteer on Mondays for an hour.  What a delight for me.  I am the luckiest person to be able to drop off that little boy and then pick him up and have him run to me with excitement.   I am so blessed to have him.   He is such a good big brother.  Kenadee just loves him and calls him "honey" now, and he gets so mad.  I love it.  It is so cute when they start talking like you and resembling a mom.  Max has been to a friends house to play twice since school began which is huge for him.  I had to completely talk him into it and then drag him up to the front door, but hopefully now he knows its not so scary.   Baby steps right... 

Kenadee is just wonderful.  She is such a little sweetheart with a mind of her own.  She wears Maxwell's backpack all over the house and says she is going to school.  She got her first hair cut from the little neighbor girl, and so we cut her hair into a little bob to help it.  Very cute I think. 

They are both growing up to fast.  We are excited for Halloween, but not the cold weather, except for skiing.  :)  Kena wants to be a princess of course. (Cinderella because of the blonde hair) Very cute and Max told me he wants to be a "dead zombie" or "half wolf half dead".. (I am not even sure exactly what that is) Sounds a little scary to me and I have no idea where to get that outfit.  I am still trying to tell him super hero is the way to go.  But, what do mom's know? 

Well that is about all to report.  We are coping and sometimes living, so that is okay for now.  I love going to the temple and feeling the wonderful Spirit.  I loved reading the ensign this month about temples. 
President Thomas S. Monson wrote. " How far is heaven?  I testify that in the holy temples it is not far at all - for it is in these sacred places that heaven and earth meet and our Heavenly Father gives His children His greatest blessings".  
Wow!!  I just had to share.  That meant so much to hear.  Why is it that the ensign always has something for everyone in it?  Its the Spirit of course.  It is such a wonderful magazine and so inspiring.   We love you all and pray that we can all be thankful and have gratitude in life's little things. 


  1. Thank you for posting and for being so honest. I think about you all time and are always praying that you are navigating life well. Hope you guys had a ton of fun in Vegas.

  2. Thanks for the update, Tiffany. I think of you often, and hope you'll be able to find yourself and find happiness again.
    Love from Germany.

  3. Hi Tiffany,

    My name is Kim Packard and I served in the same mission as Jon. I just happened to check our mission blog today and saw a link to this blog. I am SO sorry to hear of his passing. You have an adorable family and your post are very inspiring. I'm certain that the last 7 months have been so painful and I am grateful for the healing power of the gospel. My prayers are with your family and his.

  4. I know this is an old post, and you probably don't even check this blog anymore, but I lost my husband in September, and have been thinking I should go to the temple, but keep pushing it back because it was something we always did together and I was worried it would be too hard. Anyway, your quote from President Monson has convinced me that I need to go this week. Thank you.

  5. God has been the difference in my own life during times of loneliness, heartbreak, and pain. I know too well what it means of not getting encouraged by others and the hurt that comes from that. I've found that only God always offer encouragement and hope, much better than any human can offer. I can only imagine how it feels to be widowed. I have the taste of having a soul tie broken- I've gotten dumped in the past and it's hurt me so much in the past. The Bible teaches that a sexual relationship (whether marital or premarital) results in the man and woman becoming one (a soul tie). Rejection and abandonment are all painful things. King Solomon said that everything in this world is vanity, everything is meaningless- a chasing after the wind. Eventually whatever we gain in this world (relationships, success, wealth), we lose them all at some point. There is something you can never lose though- God. God surpasses everything in our lives. Our thirsting for things in this world (especially human relationships) is evidence that we need something greater than those things to satisfy us because everything except God will end up failing you in some way. God has promised us that He will never leave us nor forsake us. God can't die on us and leave us in a state of loneliness. God won't cheat on us, dump us and go off with someone else. Whenever you feel lonely or feel that you're missing something in your life- realize that God wants to fill that void in your life. So many times I've been ignorant about the Bible. We're trained from our birth to live by our 5 senses- thus we look to perceive God with those senses. Most of the time, we can't perceive God with our 5 senses as He is a spiritual being. God has wanted me to develop my spiritual senses and rely on His word (the Bible) to experience Him. I've learned to always see God's word as alive, powerful, and relevant for each day. When I've failed to see that in the past, it's robbed me so much joy and peace. I've learned to look at the Bible as a powerful and active gateway/portal to God. We can try to occupy our minds with so many different things in this world to try and fill the void in our lives or suppress the pain, but all of those things will keep us still hungry and thirsty. God has promised us that if we reach out to Him, He will give us rest, quench our thirst, and satisfy our hunger. If you haven't done that, I hope you will give God a chance. I further hope that God will use you to go and reach others with His word, just like He has used me to reach out to you. Many people in this world are hurting just like you. Many are just looking for a simple act of kindness or a word of encouragement (words are powerful- they can heal and motivate or when used in an evil manner destroy others) which they don't receive from others. Ultimately, many even end their own lives because they feel hopeless and want to end their pain of torment- all because they've failed to see God was nearby all along and they failed to perceive Him with their spiritual senses. God loves you more than any human in this world! He wants to be your companion today and take care of you and your family's needs. I hope you see and explore His love for you today through the Bible- the Bible is the secret source for unraveling peace and joy for you when you can't find them in this world. I can't give you physical copy of the Bible right now, but you can freely access it online at ( May God bless you, heal you and strengthen you and your family. Continue to write and help others for His glory. Claim God's promises to you from His word today. Humans will likely fail to encourage you when you really need it, however, God won't fail. All you need to do is turn to His word. It is available 24/7 whenever you need it- to experience God.

  6. Please read these verses when you get the chance- Isaiah 55:11-13; Jeremiah 49:11; Psalm 146:9; Psalm 68:5; Isaiah 54:4-6; Revelation 21:1-7; Jeremiah 17:5-8; Isaiah 2:22; 1 Corinthians 7:29-35.

  7. Tiffany, I know you don't write here anymore. I just wanted to let you know I still occasionally think of Jon and the impact he had in my life. He was a great man and I was lucky to have called him my friend.